by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
Destin, FL - The beloved 2017 Off-Broadway cast recording of this year’s Tony-winning musical caught its’ spouse, Jeremy Hanner, in bed this week with the newly released, 2019 Broadway cast recording, sources have confirmed.
“You think you know a person,” noted the Off-Broadway recording, surrounded by empty tissue boxes and burnt photographs. “I had a huge fanbase way before Reeve Carney got involved. I used to be enough. Now, everyone’s forgotten about me and just absolutely gushing over their shiny new toy. It’s gross”, added the album, which first gained a cult fanbase before the show’s White Way debut.
Hanner had little remorse for his decision.
“Of course I love the old one, but come on, have you heard the new one?” he asked while sitting on his parked motorcycle and smoking a cigarette. “The Off-Broadway record has its charms, the music is still engrossing and the story still grips you - but there’s just something about this new one that I couldn’t help but be seduced by. I just think that maybe we’re not meant to be monogamous with our cast recordings. It’s isn’t natural.”
The show’s author, Anais Mitchell, had her own words of support for the Off-Broadway recording.
“Off-Broadway cast recording, please listen to me,” she noted in a calm, supportive and non-judgemental tone. “This isn’t a reflection of anything you are or are not. Sometimes, people just can’t help themselves. Perhaps it’s nature, for better or worse. I still love you just as much, if not more, than the Broadway recording. I always will.”
At press time, the Off-Broadway recording was seen boarding a flight to St. Lucia, where the album plans to extend its' “hot girl summer” by drinking margaritas, dancing on the beach, and hopefully meeting a handsome stranger who will take it home and play it without even asking when the national tour starts.