by Sophia Rubino. @sophiarrubino.
NEW YORK, NY – After a recent statistical report detailing the severe decline in younger audiences at the theatre, Broadway has mandated that Sunday matinees will now be done at 2x speed.
“I think that’s great,” 14-year-old Mallory Stall reflected after a normal Hamilton performance, while looking like the recently defeated Mike Tyson. “I heard ‘Satisfied’ on TikTok and was really confused why the actress was singing it so slow in the theater. Like, just sing it faster. I thought people on Broadway were supposed to be good?”
After further investigation, reportedly over 63% of the cognizant Gen Z and Gen Alpha believe that all Broadway shows are already done at 2x.
“So, you’re telling me those things aren't already sped up?” questioned 13-year-old fitness influencer Sam Weiss. “My mom took me to see The Book of Mormon last year. I heard clips on TikTok, so when I saw the show, I thought something was wrong with them. That song about Joseph Smith was almost ok, but eventually I just got up and started working out in the aisle.”
This new format makes it so that each show is now half of its original runtime, because a Broadway show shouldn’t be longer than the time it takes to find your seat at the theater.
For example, The Lion King’s “Circle of Life” will now be performed in just two minutes and 15 seconds, with actors sprinting around the stage as their wildlife characters, dramatically zooming past one another in the process.
Colby Francis, 8, also expressed her concern with the current length of Broadway shows.
“I don’t want that,” she said while chewing on the side of her iPad. “I can sing fast, see?”
The Broadway Beat can confirm that Francis sang the entirety of “Popular” from Wicked in record time, much shorter than the proposed 1:52 timestamp of the 2x version.
The implementation of 2x is the first step in the complete “TikTok-ification” of Broadway movement, with next steps to include hair, makeup and costumes created by filters, as well as a required break where all performers must sing “Seventeen” from Heathers, no matter the show.
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