by Wilson Conkwright. @wlsncnkwrght.
LOUISVILLE, Ky. – Praised local baritone and professional wig maker, Charles Haggerty, didn’t let the pandemic slow him down; after months of quarantining alone, he returned to the scene today sporting an exciting new collection of exotic wigs and, coincidentally, his back looked as smooth as a baby’s, impressed sources confirmed.
“I spent a lot of the pandemic focusing on the man in the mirror,” said Haggerty, vogueing his new curly wig and earrings made from dead pigeon feathers. “Then it hit me: I should make a new collection of something totally unseen before, and to do that you have to get hair from uncommon places, like different countries or the dark web.”
When asked if there was a correlation between the wigs and his back as smooth as a bowling lane, Haggerty sustained, “No comment.”
After claiming to have worn the same three pairs of pajamas for twelve straight months, Georgie West, Haggerty’s wig model, was enthusiastic to see something new.
“Groundhog’s day,” West cemented when asked about how she’s been. “When I saw how his new collection mainly consisted of tight white-man afros made from short course black curly Q’s, I was taken back by its uniqueness. I know Charles puts so much of himself into every one of his collections, I can’t wait to see what homemade style he makes relevant next. Also, did you notice he shaved his arms? His inventiveness is an inspiration.”
The collection’s idiosyncratic style even has Louisville’s regional theatre director, Edie Von Panton, considering putting on a show just so they can use these fantastic wigs.
“Footloose, Heathers, Rock of Ages, pretty much anything where someone can have a perm,” Von Panton daydreamed out loud. “Charles has been our go-to wig genius for over a decade, but he’s never done anything as authentic as this. The wigs even smell like they came straight off someone’s sweaty head, B.O. and all. Brilliant! And the way he’s not even mentioning his new no hair anywhere look really proves his self confidence. I respect that.”
By press time, Haggerty had announced his next collection was going to “revolutionize the merkin industry forever”, and, “on a totally unrelated note”, flashed the room his inordinately smooth balls.