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Weird! This Middle School Production of “Rent” is Suddenly About the Price of Doritos

by Lindsay Burton. @LindsayKBurton.

DAYTON, Oh. – Sources from Walden Middle School confirmed today that their Fall musical production of Rent has abruptly and unexplainably changed from focusing on the rising costs of living under the shadow of the HIV/AIDS crisis to the rising cost of the Frito-Lay snack Doritos.


“I don’t get it,” said 13 year-old Chance Blankstaff, who is set to perform as Roger. “Our director told us we were mature enough to sing about the AIDS crisis of the 80’s and 90’s. One day we're blocking the scene where I mention that my girlfriend gave me HIV, and now we’re blocking a scene where I confess that I got mono all by myself.”


Additional students involved in the production spoke out regarding the sudden change, expressing that they, too, are shocked.


“I’m so confused,” explained 14 year old Danielle Spencer, who’s playing Maureen. “The other night I was rehearsing ‘Take Me Or Leave Me’ in my room. My mom passed by and saw me and shook her head. I assumed she just thought my belting was a bit off.”


Among the modifications instated overnight include Mimi getting addicted to Mountain Dew, Maureen performing at the grand opening of the town’s new Big Lots, and Angel tragically falling ill with a little headache.


“Look, I just got my first armpit hair the other day,” explains 12 year old student Julian Hernandez. “I’d say I’m ready to grapple with the short-term effects of heroin addiction in the East Village.”


Those in charge offered little insight to the sudden shift in focus.


“It all just happened like that,” claimed theatre teacher Wendy Kirkpatrick, emphasized with a snap of her fingers. “I was looking forward to tackling high costs of living, sexual identity and the major health crisis of the 80’s and 90’s with a group of pimple-covered twelve year olds. I don’t know what happened.”


In response to Ms. Kirkpatrick’s comments, the school’s Principal, Lucas Calhoun, responded, “We literally had a meeting about this yesterday.”


After this roadblock, the school’s Winter production of 1984 will reportedly be about the dangers of not listening to your parents and teachers.