• Broadway Beat

“Waitress” Cast Performs Annual Virgin Sacrifice To Remain Open

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.

NEW YORK, NY - The cast and crew of Broadway musical “Waitress” convened in the back alley of the Brooks Atkinson Theatre this week to perform their annual human, virgin sacrifice to the dark lord Mirawax in an effort to remain open for another Broadway season.


“Broadway is an incredibly competitive arena, so sometimes you have to think outside the box” notes the show’s creator and composer, Sara Bareilles. “For some, that means bringing in a celebrity or doing a flash mob, but for us it means donning robes and painting our faces with cursed oils before blooding a scrappy young actor in the name of our realm’s dark lords. You do what you have to do.”


Some of the show’s newer cast members expressed their concern over the method - which apparently also includes a nightly feast of lamb skin during intermission - but have ultimately come to realize its’ necessity.


“As a new ensemble member, I had to hold the hand of the Tisch student we sacrificed during the ritual,” says Alexandra Fairbanks-Welsh, making her Broadway debut in the feel-good, Tony-nominated musical. “I didn’t sleep for 3 weeks - but then I realized it was affecting my performance, so I kind of shoved those feelings down. I get it, Broadway is tough. You gotta manage.”


Bareilles and the cast insist that besides the annual sacrifice, nightly meal, and occasional midnight chicken worship, no further blood is shed in the name of Mirawax, the dark Pagan lord of dance and merriment. However, they are willing to make it a “monthly” sacrifice if ticket sales drop, and are willing to outsource to Marymount Manhattan and even The New School for fresh bodies if necessary.