by Nat Hrvatin. @NatHrvatin.
COLUMBUS, Oh. - After receiving her second dose of the COVID-19 vaccine, Andrea Stuart learned that her nephew’s production of Honk Jr. will be performed in-person this summer, leaving her with no solid excuse to not attend the production, the devastated young woman confirmed.
“I would rather fake a poultry phobia than watch an hour of middle schoolers shrieking like feral ducklings,” stated Stuart, who fully intended to half-watch a Zoom production. "At least during last fall’s virtual production of Seussical, I had two saving graces: an edible, and my computer’s mute button."
Stuart’s sister, Emily Cantwell, offered a different perspective.
“My husband and I are honored that our son was chosen to play the Ugly Duckling. We are simply quacking with delight that everyone will see, in person, just how ugly our son can be,” Cantwell said while rummaging through her sister’s purse in search of a vaccine report card. "I’ll be damned if my sister lies to avoid seeing her nephew in his glory, ‘warts and all.’”
After brainstorming multiple excuses, including an extreme aversion of Hans Christian Andersen, Stuart ultimately decided to contact a farmer from Plain City, Ohio. She inquired if he would hire a woman with zero farm experience for the weekend of June 25-28. Stuart claimed she would rather “be covered in pig slop than leave the theatre covered in stray goose feathers.”
Stuart approached the production’s director, Jimmy Griffith, with a last-stitch plea to ask him to switch the production to virtual.
“No way in pastoral hell,” Griffith remarked, joining Cantwell in her search for Ms. Stuart's vax card. “I spent ten hours hot gluing duck bills to face shields. This show is happening.”
At press time, Stuart expressed her frustration that “the CDC neglected to list suffering through terrible children’s theatre as a potential vaccine side effect.” Additionally, she intends to write hate mail to Music Theatre International for giving Griffith permission to license the play.