by Nat Hrvatin. @NatHrvatin.
CHICAGO - College sophomore Brian St. Bryans is reported to have committed a major acting faux pas during his Movement for the Stage class. Several sources share that during a rudimentary movement exercise, the actor was seen cupping the air with intention instead of scooping the air with determination.
“Is there a difference?” St. Bryans questioned while mirroring his partner’s motions at a mortifyingly asymmetric pace. “It all looks the same to me, but don’t tell my teacher I said that, or else I’ll get kicked out of the acting program and forced to change my major to something horrible, like engineering.”
Paolo Crawford, a tenured acting professor who claims to have seen Uta Hagen at a TCBY in Greenwich Village in the 80s, commented on Bryans’ inability to scoop the air with determination.
“Look, I’m not in the habit of crushing anyone’s dreams,” Crawford stated as he fished a vintage frozen yogurt cup out of his desk drawer. “But Brian will never make it in this industry if he cannot scoop the air with determination with the same panache as Hagen had when she scooped - from this historic cup - spoonfuls of watermelon sorbet. And witnessing that life-changing moment allowed me to list ‘mentored by Uta Hagen’ on my resume, which landed me this job.”
Cassandra Trent, graduate student and teaching assistant to Crawford, added her thoughts on the matter.
“I agreed to tutor Brian so he would stop making a fool of himself - and of our program,” Trent disclosed as she led undergraduates in a ‘gazing at the wall with wonder’ exercise. “Over five weeks, Brian improved his scooping technique by digging holes in flower beds along the quad. Though, campus groundskeepers placed traps thinking they had a gopher situation and Brian’s hand got stuck in the traps a few times. Pain is a small price to achieve greatness.”
At press time, St. Bryans found employment at a nearby froyo store in order to further investigate the craft. Crawford plans on conducting surprise evaluations to check on St. Bryans’ progress. He risks being placed on academic probation if he fails to show progress, or if he fails to procure Crawford free, unlimited froyo.