by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
NEW YORK, NY - Local unemployed theatre box office employee Andrew Hill expressed his mid-level excitement at the announcement of this year’s Tony nominees, citing the fact that millions of dollars are being pumped into an event honoring only a handful of productions and celebrating their fat cat producers as opposed to using that money to help the people who make their shows run, the young man confirmed.
“Looking forward to the show, I guess, sure,” noted Hill while moving back into his parents house. “I love the show, so it’s definitely exciting for a few of the cast members, who are also currently out of work, and the very, very rich individuals who backed the show to finally get their moment. Also, really happy for all the sponsors and whichever network they’re partnering with this year. Exciting stuff,” he added before taking a long drag of his cigarette.
The 2020 Tony Awards, which will honor only a portion of shows staged before the Broadway shutdown this past March, are expected to be a thrilling evening costing a ton of money that many definitely don’t believe could be better used elsewhere. In fact, many of them feel the exact opposite.
“Oh yeah, it definitely feels tasteful and considerate for them to happen this year,” noted actor Elisabeth Mortunn, who has received help from organizations such as The Actors Fund but very little to no correspondence from the literal millionaires who fund Broadway. “I’d be excited to watch, but I had to cancel my internet. I’m sure it’ll be an equally honorable and fully necessary little streaming video.”
The event feels like an extra rush of positivity given that the Broadway shutdown was just extended until May 2021, meaning that many workers may see no possibility of earned income until halfway through next year. Still, not all members of the theatre community were as absolutely pumped for this years ceremony.
“It’s just disappointing that our show won’t be honored,” noted hot shot producer Lex Millions from his California King sized bed that is also made of diamonds. “Still, i think it’s good that the seven people involved in any show will get their moment. The only seven people. Because, you know, there are only seven people involved in any production. It’s not like there are hundreds more who are going to have their inability to earn an income rubbed in their face on national TV - that would be gross.”
At press time, the American Theatre Wing announced that 2% of marketing proceeds from this year’s ceremony will be donated “straight into the producer’s pockets, fuck you.”