Uh-Oh: Nobody Told “Stomp” to Close for Pandemic
by Bryan Jager. @bmwpjager.
NEW YORK, NY - As Broadway remains closed for the foreseeable future, it was revealed this morning that Off-Broadway’s long-running Stomp was, somehow, never instructed to close and has continued its record breaking run as New York’s longest running noise complaint, sources confirmed.
“Nobody ever bothered to tell us,” said the show’s general manager, Ida Holland. “Though it is possible they tried contacting us when the fax machine got unplugged? But we haven’t seen any major dip in attendance. Our marketing strategy of NJTransit bus banners and that one episode of Cyberchase hasn’t changed in decades. Though we do face some stiff competition from Brian Stoke Mitchell’s window concerts.
The news was discovered by the internet when rogue New Yorker, Roger Maxwell, wandered into the otherwise deserted Orpheum Theatre.
“They just came out sweeping… and kept sweeping. And I thought it was some sort of meta commentary on the pandemic?" questioned Maxwell. "But then they started battling each other with trash can lids and that’s when I vowed never to go down St. Marks Place again.”
As investigations look into any other theatrical staples potentially still running (rumors of a speak-easy production of Nunsense only continue to circulate), Peter Hinkley, the box office manager of Stomp, was quick to invite audiences back.
“We’re still finding brand new ways of turning trash into music," noted Hinkley while rummaging through his recycling. "What sound does a mask make? Or a bottle of hand sanitizer? I don’t know - but we’re sure to find out!"
Stomp continues its run at the Orpheum Theatre, playing to packed houses of broken chairs, the weeping ghost of Howard Ashman, and your middle school music teacher.