Ugh, Lame! Broadway Employees Have to Go Back to Friggin' Work :/
by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
NEW YORK, NY - Guhhhh, lame! Mayor DeBlasio announced today that he expects Broadway to be open at “full capacity” by September of this year, meaning that thousands of employees who depend on Broadway to make a living will have to go back to work. Party’s over, I guess.
“Fuck,” noted Girl From the North Country actor Elisabeth Vonder, who hasn’t been on stage in almost 14 months but doesn’t want to have to be anywhere quite yet. “Yeah, I mean, of course I miss performing. And of course it’s great that people will get back to work. I just… I... does this mean I have to watch The Masked Singer the day after it airs now? It was kind of me and my roommate’s thing.”
Countless individuals have been left without any employment opportunities or additional aid during the pandemic - with Broadway also accounting for a huge chunk of New York City’s cultural income. While many are of course praising the return of live theatre, they emphasize that they can also be totally bummed about having to friggin’ go to work come the fall.
“Musical theatre is my lifeblood, my purpose,” claimed pit musician Dan Gregot. “Performing gives me my breath. It’s a soul of its own. Everyone important in my life I’ve met through the theatre, and the economic impact of the last year has been insurmountable. All of that being said… booooooo.”
These mixed feelings extended beyond theatre employees themselves.
“I would kill to see live theatre again, but I would also kill to not have to leave my house and go all the way to midtown. We exist,” noted longtime theatre fan Jessica Rodgriguez while literally counting how many days they have left until September. “Do you think this means my company will open back up around then too? Cause as much as I’ve hated being furloughed… nothing sounds like more of a buzzkill than being unfurloughed. That’s some real nerd shit.”
At press time, tourists from across the globe were already planning their vacations to the mecca of live theatre, with all parties involved equally thrilled to embrace the world of performance, enjoy all of the city’s bustling culinary offerings, and - perhaps most of all - to return home and just kind of watch TV and be on their phones.