by Caitlin Bitzegaio. @caitorade.
NEW YORK, NY - The Graines family from Waterloo, Iowa, was disappointed to find out that American Buffalo was a two-act play that examines the themes of trust and honesty after a failed burglary and not, in fact, a fast casual family restaurant that specializes in chicken wings.
“Yeah it was weird there was a poster of the grandpa from Black-ish outside, but I mean, Mark Wahlberg owns Wahlbergers,” explained the matriarch of the family Lindsay Graines, 49, carrying a dozen small Statue of Liberty keychains she’d purchased for friends at home. “It didn’t seem impossible that Laurence Fishburne had a restaurant too. He had a lot of eating scenes on Hannibal.”
The family didn't realize that they were mistaken even after paying $79.99 per person online.
“I thought it was weird you had to buy a ticket to a restaurant,” said Paul Graines, her husband, 47, who wore his best Tommy Bahamas shirt for the occasion. “But, you know, things are different in New York City and I assumed the American Buffalo was unlimited for that price.”
The couple's eldest child, Evan, 17, was the first to catch on.
“I started to get suspicious when there were no waiters,” stated Evan, an East Waterloo High School senior who has experience with theater as he was recently named “Most Dramatic” in the school's yearbook. “There was no food - just three actors who performed edgy dialogue for an hour and 40 minutes. I started to think: ‘uh-oh, American Buffalo is a play’.”
At press time, youngest Graines family member, 9-year-old Madison, was especially not pleased.
“I was starving and there were no fries or mozzarella sticks or anything. Also, just because you can revive American Buffalo, should you? I’m not sure the creative team really asked themselves the tough questions.”