by W.A. Hughes.
NEW YORK, NY — With vaccination rates on the rise, TKTS announced today that they’re unveiling a new, post-vaccine “Bobbing for Mezzanine Seats” attraction as part of its Times Square location.
“It’s fun, it’s a steal, and who knows what you’ll come up with?” said weirdly excited TKTS Head of Dunking Stephanie Glernsback. “We might even throw some loose change in there to keep things interesting!”
The promotion costs $20 a head to crowd around a large, 20 feet-in-diameter steel bucket full of both water and discount tickets. Visitors then get just three chances per round to dunk their heads in and try to nab as many seats as possible, using only their mouth.
Representatives from TKTS have assured the public that there would be professional “snorkel snatchers” on site to prevent cheating. A special, seniors-only “side bucket” for older patrons has also been proposed, with fewer tickets and shallower, warmer water. Would-be theatergoer Neil Yunkton, 78, described this as a “gamechanger”.
“I still haven’t ever seen Jersey Boys, but I have trained myself to hold my breath for a whole minute,” Yunkton said while doing a scary amount of crunches. ”I also heard there might be some for that Bob Dylan musical swirling around in there, so I gotta be careful.”
While numerous health officials have condemned this new business model, social media has reacted positively. Minutes after the announcement, the hashtags #facefulloftix and #showmeyourdunkface began trending.
“Even if you’re vaccinated, you probably shouldn’t stick your face in a big bucket of water with a bunch of strangers,” noted Dr. Clara Mebelford of the New York City Extremely Obvious Health Risks Department. “That being said, I did promise my mom I’d take her to see Chicago for her birthday, so I might have to try this thing out. For research purposes, obviously.”
The Metropolitan Opera said it would also consider the practice, except the bucket would be a giant glass tank, it would be filled with pinot grigio instead of water, and only one patron would be permitted at a time. Personalized wool “opera towels” will be on-hand in case of splashback.