by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
The 2020 United States Presidential election is just around the corner. It’s been a campaign full of controversy, opposition, and, for many under the heel of the coronavirus pandemic, another layer of confusion and worry for the future of our country.
With the proverbial domino line of global conflict only made longer each week, it perhaps goes without saying that this election could be the most consequential in all of - wait, I’m… I’m sorry. Is that… Laura Linney and the King Kong puppet hanging out at a Hooters? I mean, it couldn’t be, but like… it is, right?
Ok, that was weird, but going to shake it off. As we were saying: there is so much riding on this election. From a concrete, meaningful stimulus plan to the idea of a successful COVID vaccine, to rejoining the Paris Climate Agreement and even - OK, hold on, that’s definitely them. I mean, I get being mistaken about Laura, but the King Kong puppet is a 2,000 pound gorilla with multiple wires and a team of people helping him drink that White Claw. What’s the story here?
Sorry, we keep getting caught off guard by these unlikely happy hour buddies. We’ll stay on topic from now on.
This election raises a ton of additional questions, regardless of the outcome.
Will Biden support expanding the Supreme Court? Will Trump commit to a peaceful transfer of power? Who will Biden appoint to his cabinet? How do Laura and the puppet know each other? Did they meet at a party or something? Do they hang out often? It looks like they ordered some apps. Does five-time Tony nominee Laura Linney even like beer pretzels, or is that just for Kong? Oh, wow, I’ll be damned - she’s eating the pretzel.
Even after the election raps, it’s vital, now more than ever, that citizens stay informed and involved and actually we’re just gonna have to go all in on the Hooters situation right now. I’m sorry, it’s much more pressing.
They’re now doing pickleback shots with the bartender, but the King Kong puppet is just a puppet, so it’s all spilling onto his puppeteers. Speaking of which - why are they here? Are they still being paid to move him around? I mean, there’s like a dozen of them… are they really being paid to bring him to get some drinks with Laura Linney? And what’s her deal? Does she even live around here? Do either of them? They look like they’re having a great time. Laura just requested they put some “fuckin’ Springsteen” on.
So, in conclusion, this election matters. It matters for you, and it matters for me - so no matter which way it shakes out, be sure to look out for your neighbor, don’t normalize the hate that’s been perpetrated over the last four years, and above all else, be sure to - wait, holy fuck, they’re dancing on the bar. Laura and the puppet are getting down all over the bar. It’s like 6:15 pm on a Tuesday and they’re fucking lit. This is insane.
Oh, shit, they saw me. They’re challenging me to a fight outside. Laura just threw a barstool. This is bad. The bartender just locked the door. Why is she on their side? This is bad. Please, somebody save me from Laura Linney and the King Kong puppet. They have broken bottles. The bartender also has one. Alfred Molina is also here? Please help.