by Alexandra Bowman. @scripta_bene.
BROADWAY, New York - Based on an Instagram Reel of one slamming into a glass door it thought was an open window, reports are surfacing that they finally made those things from Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musical Cats real after 41 years.
Nobody is sure why they made them a fraction of the size, or why they walk on all fours at all times, or why they don't sing or dance (wasn't that a big part of it?), but early feedback is highly positive.
“I tried to do my best to make them look like what would happen if you made them real, but people didn’t like it,” said Cats (2019) director Tom Hooper, who has been living in a bunker in northern Pakistan for a few years now. “I watched the 1998 filmed stage version and then asked ‘what would happen if those things were actually running around and rubbing each other?’ I’m surprised that whoever invented this version decided to make them not look like humans at all, but rather an entirely new thing.”
Andrew Lloyd Webber was thrilled to hear that someone finally went and made the things from Cats real.
“This is what I always hoped would happen, actually,” sniffed Lloyd Webber, who was told by Valerie Eliot about her husband’s wacky concept for annoying furry guys who have magic powers or who simply steal things, or both, and decided the concept deserved a two-and-a-half-hour stage musical. “I just enjoy making musicals about things that don’t exist, like happy people in the performing arts. Have you seen Phantom, Aspects of Love, Sunset Boulevard, and School of Rock at the beginning? Those people are NOT having a good time.”
When reached for comment, God said that He appreciated the idea being raised, but thinks that “cats” really ought to be confined to the things in Cats.
“I don’t know what these things are supposed to be, but there’s a lot wrong with them,” said God, scratching His head. “Why do they ignore the people who keep them alive? I’m used to that and it sucks.”
All of these opinions considered, many people are hoping musical theatre composers at large don't get any ideas, ideally keeping their wild ideas - funny girls and musical men, for example - to themselves.