by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
TOKYO - Theatre fans and sports fans worldwide have announced an indefinite ceasefire in support of Olympic gymnast Simone Biles, confirmed concerned sources who can jump high in two different ways.
“Simone is a generational talent and an inspiration. Now more than ever, it’s crucial to put aside our differences in support of the one titan who acts as a perfect representation of both our interests,” noted Olympic megafan and “what the fuck is Hate E’s Town?” questioner Danielle Brink. “It’s sport. It’s theatre. It’s a bunch of stuff that literally did not have a name before her. If theatre kids and sports fans don't all come together now, when will we?”
At press time, negotiations were in place to increase support for other Olympic gymnasts, along with a possible extension to Olympic trampoline, “depending on how flippy it gets”.