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Theater Kid Really Milking English Class Read-Through of "The Crucible"

by Edward Precht. @pertoltprecht.

DAYTON, OH - Tyler Zuckerman, theater kid and self-proclaimed “rising star” of T.H. Wilder High School, made waves this week as classmates noticed him just absolutely milking his English class’ read-through of Arthur Miller’s The Crucible.


“It’s a tough little piece,” said Mr. Zuckerman, 15. “But as an act-or, I’m more than up for the challenge. I’m only supposed to be reading for Thomas Putnam, but I like to do all the parts, even when my classmates are trying to speak. It gives me a chance to work on my craft.”


While the read-through has drawn the ire of some of the less-enthusiastic students, Tyler aims to breathe almost excessively fresh life into each of the characters he forcibly plays.


“See, I’m not just a John Proctor. Not just a Mary Warren. Not just a Goody Proctor.” A single tear rolled down his cheek. “I’m an artist.”


“My favorite character,” he continued, totally unprompted, “has got to be Giles Corey. I’ve been working on a Scottish brogue, putting my own spin on him, to really sneak in a little bit of backstory for the ol’ bloke, oy, ya know, mate?”


The reviews for Mr. Zuckerman’s performance have been nothing short of stellar.


“What? Oh, I’ve kinda been zoned out this whole time,” said varsity quarterback Deck Stuart. “That kid sucks though. He’s always reminding people that he visited New York and saw Something Rotten! with the original cast. Why would we be impressed by that?” he asked.


“Who’s Tyler?” said Jessica Reimer, class president. “Oh, that guy who owns, like, five Be More Chill shirts?” she asked before rolling her eyes so hard you could hear the sinews rip.


Zuckerman’s contemporaries weren’t the only ones with strong opinions on his unnecessarily committed performance.


“I thought it’d be a fun activity for all of us, you know, to read through it out loud,” said Ms. Jackson, their teacher. “I was wrong,” she said before taking a long drag of her cigarette.


With glowing reviews like these, one can only ask: What’s next for Mr. Zuckerman? 


“I’m giving a presentation in Biology after lunch,” he said. He opened his bookbag, revealing a lab coat, some safety goggles, and a few beakers. “I brought props.”


He also noted that his scientist was “divorced” and had "Crohn's disease", as he thought this would help “layer and contextualize” his presentation on photosynthesis in houseplants.