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The Original “Mean Girls” National Tour? These Teenagers Bully Me Everywhere I Go

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.


The first national tour of Broadway’s smash musical adaptation “Mean Girls” is currently hitting markets nationwide, but in a way, the tour’s been happening for years - in the form of the 3 very mean teenagers who have been following me everywhere and bullying me for the past several years.


“Mean Girls” is the fire-cracker tale of Cady Heron, a new transfer student who gets mixed up in the odd and brutal world of popular girl collective “The Plastics.” I, on the other hand, am a 36-year old man constantly tormented by “The Devil’s Nightmare”, a trio of teenage girls who are constantly throwing balled up loose leaf paper at me and calling out just the rudest of false nicknames.


The original production of “Mean Girls” was helmed by Tina Fey, but The Devil’s Nightmare was helmed by parents who work way too often and give their kids too much financial and personal freedom, resulting in 3 kids who are constantly trying to light my car on fire as some kind of prank.


The musical is bright, sassy, and full of spirit and an empowering message. The Devil’s Nightmare are a dark, menacing, soulless group of (probably) humans, who one time bought me a cup of coffee in what they described as a peace offering, but what was actually a styrofoam cup full of dishwasher detergent.


In conclusion, I guess it’s safe to say that if you have tickets to see “Mean Girls” on tour, just know that you’re seeing the second run. The first run is just 3 horrid beasts who keep breaking into my house to shave my head while I sleep (which I haven’t done peacefully in years). I hope you get your Playbill signed, as opposed to getting full body cast signed like I did. Also, the only people who signed it were The Devil’s Nightmare. They drew butts.