by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
LOS ANGELES - Tina Fey, writer of the 2004 hit film Mean Girls and its Broadway adaptation, announced today that she plans to adapt the beloved musical for the silver screen, despite the fact that there already exists a TikTok of three teenage girls dancing and slashing the tires of my parked car, sources confirmed.
"We're thrilled to bring our project back to the big screen," noted Fey. "This project has been such a joy in my life, and no, I don't think people will confused it with the TikTok of your car being trashed. Why do you keep asking me that?"
Officer Jimmy Taylor, a local PD I called after the video of my tires being all sliced up while the girls danced was posted, shared his insight on the film.
"For the last time, I told you, one of the girls is my sergeant's daughter. It'll be a whole thing if I bring her in," noted Taylor in my living room. "I thought you wanted my opinion on the film anyway - why are you bringing the TikTok thing up again? Oh, wait, is that the only reason you brought me in? Not to talk about the film adaptation? That hurts, man."
We managed to catch up with Courtney Hurns, one of the three teens who performed several fun Fortnite dances while letting air out of the tires of my 2013 Nissan Altima, to get her opinion on the adaptation.
"It sounds like a ton of fun," noted Hurns while lip-syncing to a scene from Call Me By Your Name and logging me out of all my streaming services even though I told her I don't remember the passwords for a lot of them. "The show is a blast and I think introducing musicals to a new generation is important no matter how it's done," she added before emailing all my coworkers the poetry I've been working on.
At press time, the girls began a live stream on Instagram discussing why everyone should vote for Bernie Sanders this November while simultaneously opening all the bottles of seltzer in my fridge so they get flat before I have time to drink them.