by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
NEW YORK, NY - The inside of local man Ted Hicks’ 2009 Nissan Altima is being deemed the new Moulin Rouge! The Musical after he was seen this morning listening to the radio at length, thrilled sources confirmed.
“What’s Mulan Rude?” questioned Hicks after we flagged him down at a stop sign. “I… I’m just going to work. I’m listening to a bunch of different seemingly unconnected songs from different eras. I don’t think that qualifies this car as the next ‘Moldy Runs’ or ‘Melting Roger’ or whatever. Can you please stop blocking the front of my car? You’re holding up traffic.”
While Hicks appeared to be unaware of the cultural footprint he was beginning to leave, others in the large, rush hour traffic line we caused were much more excited by the new musical.
“There was such a fun, eclectic mix of tunes,” noted driver Jane Lennon while on her way to the abandoned Circuit City parking lot where she eats breakfast. “His story of a man just trying to get to work uninterrupted really added a new layer to the songs. I felt ‘Drunk In Love’ and ‘Losing My Religion’ in a whole new light - heck, I hope this traffic never lets up! That being said, you should probably move - I think the guy behind me has a bat.”
The man, John Larrcosh, who stands well over six foot five and 300 pounds, did indeed have a bat. However, as he approached the car, his tune, as well, appeared to change.
“Wow, this is uncanny. Only issue is that there isn't another person in the car, so if it’s really the next Moulin Rouge!, this guy would have to be both in love and also sick,” noted Larrcosh in a sudden, newly acquired French accent. “I never thought of ‘Sex On Fire’ in this context before. Here’s to truth, beauty, freedom and love! Now, please move, or I… I’m gonna use the bat.”
At press time, the line of cars as the local stop sign was now over 52 deep, with many of the front cars subject to Hicks’ ever-changing, crackly array of top 40 tracks. Additional early reviews were mixed, with several people deeming the car “just a car” and noting that what we were doing by holding up traffic was “probably a crime”, before asking “does anyone else have a bat?”.
At the end of this limited run, Hicks’ car will most likely break down in front of a suburban cul-de-sac who will likely help, which critics are already deeming the next Come From Away.