by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
NEW YORK, NY - Tragedy struck the annual Radio City Christmas Spectacular this week after local teen Brandon Morton was charged with manslaughter for putting a piece of paper reading “kick me” on friend Daniel Sherwit’s back, activating the Rockette’s natural kicking instinct and quickly resulting in Sherwit’s untimely death, sources confirmed.
“It was just supposed to be a joke,” noted 17-year old Morton, facing up to 25 years in prison. “I put the paper on his back, and before I knew it, the Rockettes had locked in on their target. They were so precise, so strong, so… in unison,” he cried out before being ushered back to his cell.
The Radio City Christmas Spectacular, a New York City holiday tradition since 1933, features over 140 performers, an original score, and of course, those famous kicking Rockettes. Experts close to the show were not surprised by the event.
“Rockettes possess a very potent internal offense trigger,” noted Dr. Anna Hill, an esteemed physician who has spent decades observing the line dancers. “They are trained to kick as one, without restraint and without mercy. They may be the smiling, shimmering centerpiece of this classic holiday show, but keep in mind that the Rockettes are blooded, and will do what nature calls of them if provoked."
This is not the first time an unfortunate mistake has forced the Rockettes to unleash their choreographed fury upon an innocent audience member.
“I went to the show straight from soccer practice,” noted Caroline Simonis, who narrowly escaped a Rockettes strike four years ago after a soccer ball rolled out of her backpack during the performance. “There were just so many of them - kicking, striking, howling. It was like watching a snake attack a mouse. They are pure, raw hunters. I only got out after yelling 'Santas on stage!’, to which they all turned around and bowed. I think he’s the Queen of their hive?”
At press time, Morton was pleading with the District Attorney to adjust his sentence from prison to probation and community service, which would include time volunteering at a Rockettes sanctuary - established in 1995 in order to help retired performers adapt to civilian, non-kicking life.