by Ben Schrager. Instagram: @ben.schrager. Twitter: @ben_schrager.
SAUSALITO, CA. – In preparation for their Broadway transfer, producers Lindsey Holdtstaff and Paul Caillat announced that a cast recording for Stereophonic is currently in the works, proving that they have learned absolutely nothing from the play.
“We are giving the team every resource at our disposal to produce the greatest cast recording of all time,” said Caillat while texting a guy named Scrug to send the cast more Ketamine. “If there’s one thing we as producers have taken away from Stereophonic, it’s that the creative process for making an album is not only endlessly rewarding, but also incredibly easy and stress-free.”
Ms. Holdtstaff reiterated the doomed confidence of her fellow producer, pointing out that the cast is determined to make this album as authentic as possible.
“They’re so committed, they’ve all decided to remain in character throughout the recording sessions” said Holdtstaff while leading a Clydesdale horse to the studios. “Just the other day, Tom Pecinka demanded that we bring him a Clydesdale horse so that we could record its hooves for one of the songs. And sure, he pelted me with a dozen donuts when I originally brought him a Shetland Pony named Tippi-Tap because it ‘produced the wrong hoof sound,’ but that’s just the price one pays for genius.”
Ken Green, the album’s sound engineer, expressed concerns about the creative process.
“I am in hell” said Green, while dressing an open wound on his shoulder. “These actors are monsters. Sarah Pidgeon has thrown eight tambourines at Will Butler’s head, Chris Stack fed Tippi-Tap ketamine, and Will Brill is going around biting everyone. I lost all sensation in my left arm for a week and I had to self-administer rabies shots. As soon as I regained motor functions, in comes Will Brill again for another bite. I see him in my nightmares.”
Despite these setbacks, the producers see progress being made.
“We’ve been at it for two months now, and we’ve already got 35 seconds worth of usable material,” added Caillat. “We’re hopeful the album can be ready by opening night.”
Caillat later announced that the album had been delayed once again after Juliana Canfield impaled Will Brill with a drumstick in self-defense.