Single Crash Cymbal Only Acoustic Instrument Left in Pit; Misses Friends, Family, Children
by Sasha Jernakoff. @averagehoneydew.
ALLENTOWN, PA - The Spotlight Theater Company production of Bring it On attracted attention this past Spring after the show’s only remaining acoustic instrument - a lone crash cymbal among drum pads and synthesizers - publicly relayed its disdain for the pit’s removal of its friends, family, and young children, the crash cymbal confirmed.
“They’ve gone digital,” explained the emotionally broken yet physically intact cymbal. “Audiences want to see new, modern shows. No one’s paying to hear full orchestras anymore, which is why they’ve replaced us all with some guitars and a computer. We’ve even got an electronic drum kit now. I guess it’s nice to have fresh talent in the pit again… I just wish I could spend one more day with my loved ones.”
Other recently fired instruments shared similar sentiments.
“I know things were getting bad a few years ago - I showed up for the sitzprobe and it was like I didn’t recognize anyone anymore,” noted an unemployed trumpet. “We did West Side Story a few years back, and oh man, that was a real party. All the guys were here - the cellos, the bassoon, the vibraphone - you should’ve seen it. We used to be one big family down there, but everyone else is gone, now it’s just the crash. What happened to those guys?”
We caught up with yet another recently out-of-work instrument, who shared these feelings of isolation.
“We used to be the real stars of the show, you know,” said one of the crash cymbal’s former colleagues, a violin. “I played the fiddle in Fiddler on the Roof two seasons ago. I was on top of the world. Or the set, whatever. Now it’s all laptops and soundboards. Typical entitled millennials. We call them that because they’re always bragging about the thousands of sound patches they play in a single show.”
We reached out to the new electric instruments of the pit for another perspective before showtime. However, we only heard back from one keyboard, who said “It takes us, like, forever to untangle all the wires and stuff every night.”
At press time, the crash cymbal declined to comment further, though sources say he could be often found in the corner of the pit staring at the wall, rocking back and forth, and occasionally muttering about “who’d be laughing then” if there were to be a power outage.