by Riley Rogers. @wrylyrogers.
EVANSTON, IL. - Local tenor Garrett Goodman was overheard today expressing his concern that no one is going to speak up and claim he’s too attractive to play the classically nerdy Seymour Krelborn in his local community playhouse production of Little Shop of Horrors.
“I’m glad I got the role, but I’m starting to feel like maybe Seymour’s story isn’t mine to tell,” Goodman claimed while pushing his hair back and looking into a mirror. “You know how when Jonathan Groff and Jeremy Jordan were cast, people were saying they were too handsome to play Seymour? Like, they’re just hot guys in glasses. What if the public comes for me next? It’s only a matter of time… right?”
Paulette Schneider, the show’s director, was asked for comment as she was looking over used blonde drag queen wigs for Seymour's love interest, Audrey.
“I think Garrett’s great for the role. I have no doubts about my casting decisions - he’s got this weird energy about him, I mean look at his headshot,” Schneider commented as she pulled out a photo from her binder of Goodman in a long sleeve button-up and fedora. “What’s with the outfit? And where did he even get these done? JCPenney? Yeah, I think he’ll adapt to the role just fine.”
Courtney Chandler, who plays Audrey, thinks that Goodman may have gotten his ego overinflated by being one of the few straight men who are involved in the local theatre scene.
“He dated the girl who played Gertrude when he was Horton in Seussical and now he thinks he’s like Chris Evans or something. For God’s sake, the man still plays Minecraft. That’s fine and all, but let’s not pretend he’s something he’s not.”
At press time, Goodman still plans to carefully check the comments section of the theatre’s Facebook page for any naysayers.
“Cancel culture comes for us all eventually. I can’t help the way I look. I just hope that I can do those ugly people justice up on that stage.”