Senator Spent Entire Day Thinking About Your Stimulus Check Request, Truly It Touched Him, It Did
by Alyssa LaVacca. @alyssalavacca.
WASHINGTON D. C. - Facing unprecedented economic uncertainty in the face of the COVID-19 pandemic, Americans have been feverishly writing their representatives in support of proposed legislation expanding coronavirus cash relief payments, resulting in one Senator directly addressing these letters with a statement that sounded eerily familiar to musical theater fans.
“Dear Constituents - Friends, I’ve spent the entire day thinking about your notes. Truly it touched me, it did, that you’d think of me as a leader,” noted the Senator. “Of course I was saddened to hear that the unemployment process has come off rather less well than you hoped. And yet I must say straight away that pleading to America’s legislature is hardly the solution - and even if it were, I cannot provide the money you request."
The Senator later continued.
"It’s disturbing. The - what shall we call it? - veiled threat that, should more assistance not be possible, they would take their votes away? In any case, their present misfortune will have no effect on my feelings, or my relationship to power.” It should be noted that this Senator’s state is heavily gerrymandered.
Believing the initial stimulus payments didn’t go far enough to help those struggling with a complete loss of income, local out-of-work bartender Tara Medori wrote a letter imploring the Senator to back the plan for additional relief.
“‘Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh. Well, fine!’ was my first reaction,” said Medori while wearing a late 19th century German sundress. “Not like it was even worth the time, but still, you know, we wanted more. But nothing’s changed - been there before.”
Her roommate, Lauren Anderson, echoed the sentiment.
“A thousand bucks, you’re like scot-free if you live in a small town. But here in the city? That doesn’t even cover my rent,” noted Anderson, a furloughed sixth grade art teacher who keeps referring to her school as an “artists' colony”. “I want to laugh - it’s too absurd. Every time I start to ask something of my reps it’s like they can’t hear a word. We know the economy is gonna crash and burn - it’s like, tell us more.”
At press time, citizens disillusioned with their leadership had started to cave, as well as started to cry. Many tried to run but found nowhere to hide, given they couldn’t leave their apartments. Though some were optimistic that they’d go on well for a bit, most were resigned to another day of utter shit. And then there were none. When asked to clarify what all of this meant, many constituents simplified - stating that the Senate’s actions are, in short, totally fucked.