• Broadway Beat

Security Guard & Decorated Marine Pretty Sure BroadwayCon the Job That Breaks Him

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.

NEW YORK, NY - Local security guard and 20-year decorated marine veteran Steven Millhouse shared his shock and dismay today upon arriving for his first shift of this weekend’s 2020 BroadwayCon, with no amount of military experience able to prepare him for the horrors that lie ahead, concerned sources confirmed.


“I’ve seen some horrible things, but there are some that God never meant for man to experience,” noted Millhouse. “There were people who just met performing choreography as if they’ve been rehearsing together for years. Kids screaming when meeting a dude I’ve only seen on one episode of Law & Order. And then there were the cosplayers. I’ve never… I’ve never seen so many Beetlejuice’s in one place.”


Each year, hundreds of theatre fans commune at New York’s Midtown Hilton Hotel for a weekend of panels, performance, signings and general camaraderie between fans from across the globe. Danielle Porta, the Hilton’s head of security detail, weighed in on Millhouse’s understandable shellshock.


“This line of work isn’t for everybody,” noted Porta from inside the hotel’s main security office. “I’ve seen tougher men than Steve fail way faster. No matter how much experience in the trenches you may have, and no matter how much darkness you’ve encountered in your life, nothing can truly prepare you for watching a gaggle of theatre kids sing songs from The Prom in eight-part harmony while waiting in line for a Reeve Carney shaped soft pretzel.”


The Broadway Beat later caught up with Dr. Jenelle Mortley of NYU Langone, who specializes in treating individuals traumatized by their first brush with BroadwayCon.


“Some people think they’re prepared to experience a Shakespeare Lover’s Meetup, but they never really are,” noted Dr. Mortley. “The passion and creativity these fans bring can be startling, and to not even know that this corner of the world exists and then to have it thrown in your face can make you question your faith in all of humanity. That being said, once you get into it, the weekend’s pretty fun.”


At press time, Millhouse was seen turning in his security badge and flashlight after only an hour and a half on duty. He then went to a local Navy SEAL recruitment center to re-enroll, hoping to immerse himself in something “less stressful” than BroadwayCon.