by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
NEW YORK, NY - Megaproducer Scott Rudin has responded to a bombshell Hollywood Reporter piece documenting years of abusive behavior toward his employees - on top of the countless accusations he has gathered prior to the piece - in the form of a thoughtful, well-tempered, meaningful lead bullet straight to your fucking kneecap, sources confirmed.
“I realize now how my actions have hurt people, and I plan to take steps to correct this behavior,” noted Rudin while emptying a semi-automatic pistol into the feet of anyone within range. “To anyone who feels I have wronged them, please know that I am listening, I am learning, and I have another case of shells in my desk.”
Rudin has long been accused of subjecting his employees to verbal and physical abuse, with his actions summing up one of the industry’s biggest open secrets. Rudin claims that he “hopes people feel comfortable enough to bring these issues up directly” and adds that if they do, they better get ready for “a reckoning, a rain of hell, a river of blood - but in a thoughtful way”. Some employees were already sold on the idea of Rudin turning a new leaf.
“We all make mistakes, and I believe we can all move on to create a happy, healthy work environment. Is… is that good?” noted assistant Harry Tullern, cautiously peeking to his left, where Rudin sat with a bow and arrow cocked. “Seriously, I’ll say whatever, just tell me where my family is uh I mean the Christmas party was fun haha I love working here.”
Still, some were understandably skeptical of Rudin's sudden realization.
“He says he’s joining a 90 day ‘reflection retreat’, but I looked it up, and it’s just a shooting range that also offers courses in mental torture and whale steak cooking,” noted former employee Jess Gonzaltes, who confirms that the office’s only dress code is “bulletproof vest”. “He hand wrote everyone an apology letter, but each one also included the employee's home address and time they go to bed, which feels like a threat. They were also all tear-stained. I would ask where he got the tears, but I know the answer, and let’s just say his office’s water fountains are very expensive.
At press time, Rudin was seen meditating in his office, using an intern as the mat. Sources expect him to continue his apology tour well into next week, or until he tires himself out from all the “I’m sowwwy” stabbing, whichever comes first.