by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
LOS ANGELES - Sources report this morning that the infamous Santa Claus left a bit more than traditional presents at some houses this year - namely, adding a copy of his resume and headshot under the trees of several know casting directors throughout the area, Jolly St. Nick himself confirmed.
“Everybody has a different story, so you really just gotta shoot your shot,” noted Claus, he lists his height as “tremendous” and his age as “18,902”. “I know it’s ballsy, but hey, if even one person in casting sees my headshot and thinks ‘now that looks like a guest star on Bob Hearts Abishola’, then it’s worth it.”
Claus included a range of headshots, including several taken at local shopping malls with the crying children in his lap photoshopped out. Still, someone casting titans were not too pleased by the intrusive delivery.
“Just stick to the magic and bring my kids a toy truck, please,” stated Jen Frence of Central Casting while manually typing in the full Vimeo reel URL Santa included on his resume. “At the very least, make sure your resume’s impressive before dropping it off. I don’t care that you had a small role as yourself in The Santa Clause. That’s not range. You want some free advice? Lose the beard. You’re not 2009 Zach Galifiankis.”
Other performers looking to break through were equally as unimpressed by Santa’s efforts.
“I can sing and dance and spin around while being made entirely of water and a carrot, and I still can’t book,” noted Frosty The Snowman, who begrudgingly has less TikTok followers than Santa even though he’s been on the app longer. “Gimmicks will only get you so far, eventually you gotta have the talent. I mean, have you seen him try to act like he’s not Santa when a kid catches him in the middle of the night? Oh, I’m looking for representation by the way - just don’t send me out on anything that films indoors or in the Spring, Summer or Fall, cause… you know…”
At press time, Santa was seen stopping by an open call for season three of AppleTV’s Dickinson while asking everyone in line “do you know what this is for? Excuse me, do you know what this line is for?”. He then spent several hours adding anyone who didn’t open his bi-weekly Mailchimp newsletter to the Naughty List.