by Solomon Duane. @solomonduane.
NEW YORK, NY — Following a series of successful Golden Age reimaginings, director Robert Conway has made his most daring directorial choice: a completely unchanged revival that’s just as bad as the original.
“My love for Golden Age shows started when I directed South Pacific. I thought, ‘These new shows are getting to the point way too quickly! Someone needs to remind modern audiences how boring musical theatre used to be,’” claimed a tipsy Conway, whose rehearsal commitments have practically vanished. “Then, a buddy of mine made a bet that I couldn’t pull off The King and I, so I did that too. I didn’t cut a single line; that sucker ran on for almost three hours of plotless nonsense.”
Cindy Brousseu, Broadway regular, intentionally avoided any press surrounding Conway’s upcoming revival.
“I saw My Fair Lady in 2019 and thought it was really cool how Eliza walked out on Higgins in the finale. It was quite rewarding to sit through two hours of sexual tension just for it all to fall apart once the main character started acting like a raging misogynist,” said Brousseu, while hastily removing the musical’s numbers from her studying playlist. “I was hoping this version would help me see through the racism and just enjoy the fun music, but it made me hate the show even more.”
70-year old Long Island native Herbert Crecca has also decided to make the journey out to Manhattan for the once-in-a-lifetime production.
“I think it’ll be super interesting to watch an old guy insult women for five minutes straight. I mean, you can’t find that kind of theatre anywhere on Broadway right now. It’s really fresh.”
Conway concluded the interview with high hopes.
“Every aspect of this production will be identical to its original run - right down to what we pay our cast & crew pay, which we assure you is somehow lower than modern rates.”