by Catherine Weingarten. @sarahkaneissexy.
NEW YORK, NY - Allegations broke last night claiming that local actor Johnny Paul James, despite consistently being sent out to castings looking for a “best friend” type and exuding that special, friendly warmth onstage, is actually just a really shitty friend in real life, sources confirmed.
“I just want to say the rumors are not true, I am actually an amazing friend!” claimed James. “Even though I sometimes put bronzer in my friend’s purse to help me steal on the low low, it’s really only to help me get in character for my upcoming role as a BFF who co-runs a CVS and uses a lot of bronzer.”
Kevin Simonston, Johnny’s friend and a local actor whose type is “Guy You’re Not that Into but His Friend is Hot So You’ll Keep Talking to Him to See if You Can Get to His Friend,” had a very different take.
“Johnny is literally the worst friend I’ve ever had," noted Simonston. "I invite him out for coffee with me and he says he’ll come but then he just doesn’t show up! He once came over when I was sick to help “make me feel better” but then all he did was say he wanted hot pockets and fell asleep and the whole microwave broke. His type should be, like, “bad friend” or “kinda insensitive friend.”
Miranda Hayworth, Johnny’s agent, was shocked when she heard the allegations about Kevin’s friendship abilities.
“I signed Johnny because of how much people think he has “best friend” potential, so this is absolutely heartbreaking to hear. Friendship is a very beautiful thing in this life that should be treasured, and I just hope Johnny gets the help he needs to be the friend we all know he can pretend to be.”
At press time, Johnny was not available for an interview because he was visiting his friend Mina in prison, who was recently convicted for stealing bronzer. He did release an Instagram post of them hugging while wearing matching BFF t-shirts with just his face on them. Johnny also mentioned in the post he plans to write a book about their friendship behind bars and all the great ways to be a BFF to someone in prison, especially when they’re there because of you.