written by Caitlin Berg. @caitlinhberg.
New York, NY – The Broadway Beat is thrilled to announce our venture into scientific research, beginning with a study on seven New York men named Tony and what they do all day.
“We kept seeing articles about predicting the Tonys, so we wanted to get into the fun. We figured the majority of Tonys had been taken by other news sources already for their research, but it was shockingly easy to find seven willing men named Tony who were free,” said independent research lead Kathryn Tucker, analyzing several chaotic bar graphs. “All we had to do was go to a pizza shop on my block, and boom: seven willing Tonys.”
Tony Thurman, the first of seven Tonys (in addition to Thurman, we put cameras on Tony Spring, Kim, Minard, Weitzman, Macagnone, and Scott), was ecstatic about the experiment.
“I always see news about the Tonys in June, and it was pretty heartbreaking to know I was never included in whatever this group of Tonys was,” said Thurman, who was arrested last September for trying to break into the Tony Awards. “Being included in this elite group of Tonys means the world to me. I feel like I’ve been working my whole life for this. I can only hope next year I get invited to the Tony Awards. I just know I’ve earned my spot.”
Jennifer Starkey, Assistant Research Lead on the project, was also ecstatic about the results.
“We were completely right about what every Tony would do. We guessed that Thurman would be a complete idiot; that Spring and Macagnone would smoke a cigarette before noon; that Weitzman would get into an argument with his boss, as he was looking particularly stressed in the morning; and that Scott, Kim, and Spring would be huge fans of Fox News,” said Starkey, while locking the seven men in her basement for future projects. “I’m hoping we can do the same with men named Oscar next winter.”
A livestream of the seven Tonys will be available on The Broadway Beat’s website all weekend, before switching to Paramount + at 6:00pm on Sunday.