• Broadway Beat

Local Woman's Personality Just Dripping with “Allowed to See 'Cats' Too Young”

by Alexandra Bowman. @scripta_bene.

WASHINGTON, DC - Local woman Alice Browman has recently drawn attention for - in a way that is more simultaneously implicit and explicit than anything else in history - having a personality just gushing with the glaring fact she was allowed to ingest Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musical Cats far too young.


“I’m not a furry or anything,” said Browman to our reporter, wearing an Animaniacs T-shirt and holding a laptop adorned with stickers featuring the likes of Garfield, Tom and Jerry, the Cheshire Cat, and Puss in Boots. “I’m a furry in the way Beatrix Potter was a furry. I think anthropomorphic animals are an ideal way for artists and writers to convey meaning through metaphors that are easy to comprehend, in line with literary tradition, and utterly charming to children and adults alike. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must finish my paper on T.S. Eliot for my Georgetown masters degree in English. No, of course I didn’t understand a word of The Waste Land. This paper is on… oh, you know.”


According to local friend of Browman, Betty Carlton, all of Browman’s deepest interests juxtapose the formal and the stupid.


“She's simultaneously as interested in methods of literary critical theory as she is in videos of cute furry animals slamming into glass doors, thinking they were windows,” said Carlton, holding her head in her hands and staring at a chess board to communicate the image of a smart person engaging with perplexity. “And I also don’t know why she feels the need to explain all the time that she’s not crazy and Cats is a really mainstream musical. No one is critiquing it. Oh, and every time she texts me about Cats, I tell her she’s insane and needs to stop before I block her.”


Browman’s piano teacher John Ferguson noted that much of Bowman’s artistic taste also seems to juxtapose the tastes of the masses as well as those with an eye for the classic and complex. She values boldness and spectacle, with a healthy sense of tradition and technical intricacy. She’s fascinated by a vast eclectic variety of artistic styles, all with this definitive sense of flashy spectacle and desire to shock through vivid characterization. It’s exhausting.


“She seems to be drawn towards media that are an acquired taste, but simultaneously benefits from mainstream appeal,” said Ferguson, making us think of matcha tea, I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson, and ANTIFA. “Let’s hope that when she finally grows up, she leans more into the Andrew Lloyd Webber side of that spectrum and not Tim Burton.”


At press time, we received word from a local lab that Browman is not like this because of early exposure to Cats, but instead a dysfunctional nuclear power plant.