by Brendan Leonard. @brennylen.
MILLBURN, NJ - Reports are surfacing of an outbreak of venereal diseases at the Shady Pines Retirement Home for Classic Broadway Musicals, with the culprits responsible for spreading STIs amongst dozens of beloved musical favorites none other than Oklahoma!, 76, and West Side Story, 66, both of which recently returned to Broadway in sexually charged revivals.
“I started worrying for the community of musicals when Oklahoma! transformed the way it did,” noted Head Nurse Judy Kuhn. “A few years ago, Oklahoma! seemed content in retirement, humming quietly to itself and eating pudding. Then, one day, this Daniel Fish came in with some crazy ideas and a bottle of Viagra. Now the show is staying out past curfew, posting thotty Instagram pictures, and whittling cool shit.”
Oklahoma!’s sexy revitalization in its old age is not an anomaly. West Side Story is set to show off its fresh new look first on Broadway, and then later this year, on the silver screen. The 66-year-old is said to be acting like a musical half its age - one to buck authority and scoff at tradition.
“West Side used to delight us all around the piano and sing ‘I Feel Pretty,’ but they refuse to sing it now,” said Guys and Dolls, 69, another resident of the retirement facility. “Now they’re getting neck tattoos, doing these strange new dance moves called ‘floor work,’ and won’t even take a break to go to the bathroom!”
This change in heart is also affecting the musicals’ sexual health. Oklahoma! first tested positive for STIs at St. Ann’s Warehouse, but this did not stop Rodgers and Hammerstein’s favorite son from cavorting with and infecting other musicals. Company, 49, and 1776, 50, two younger residents of the community, have reportedly been on close watch by the staff before their upcoming revival productions.
“The retirement home’s gym is overrun by muscle hunks in colonial wigs,” said Wonderful Town, 66, yet another alarmed resident. “America’s founding fathers weren’t concerned with their abs, but the new 1776 really, really is.”
At press time, there is fear among the staff that The Music Man, 62, will be next. Rumors have surfaced that Sutton Foster is being fitted for a gimp suit as her costume for Marian the Librarian, and that for this production, “76 Trombones” will take on a whole new meaning.
“These musicals fuck. They fuck hard,” warned Head Nurse Judy Kuhn. “They’ll fuck anything. No musical is off limits.” She added that, above all else, the staff is particularly terrified of the day Chicago retires and joins the community.