• Broadway Beat

REPORT: Non-Union Actors Training to Stay Audition-Ready by Waiting in Long COVID Testing Lines

by Justin Ayer. @justayer (Twitter). @justinayer (Instagram).

NEW YORK, NY - Local actor Elizabeth Epling reported today that she is just one of the many non-union actors flocking to long local COVID-19 testing lines to stay audition-ready for when the theatre industry returns.


“It got my heart racing again,” announced Epling, shivering in a jewel-toned sheath dress and nude pumps while 30th in line at her local CityMD. “The long lines, the miserable look on people’s faces, the clinic-volunteers letting all their friends in before me. It was like seeing someone you did a contract with years ago. All I do is wait in lines all over the city, from 6am-8pm daily, to keep up my stamina.”


Rachel Cross, a nurse practitioner at Urgent Care, had some different thoughts about the increasing number of performers bogging down the testing lines.


“At first I thought they must’ve been essential workers, turning up every other day like this. Turns out they’re anything but!” remarked Cross, stapling hundreds of unsolicited headshots to medical charts. “You must be immune to misery if you can stand in line for hours just for a chance to belt your face off for 8 bars... and by belt your face off, I mean receive an intrusive nasal swab, and by 8 bars, I mean in both nostrils.”


Jeremy Trust, who listed “can do a back handspring” and “double-jointed” on his medical history paperwork, has also kept up his non-union audition skills.


“My friends and I take turns waking up at 5am,” said Trust, saving a spot for his roommate with his rolly luggage. “We post an unofficial signup list on the door and put our names first. We’ll come back around the time they open, but of course they never honor the unofficial list because 'we're a medical facility', so we end up in the back of the line. But we’re constantly checking the COVID version of Audition Update. It’s called nyc.gov.”


Epling later shared an update on her progess.


“Good news! I got a callback. My rapid test came back positive, so they asked me to come back in to get the PCR. This could be my big break!”


At press time all Broadway Beat staff who interacted with Epling were found shuffle-ball-changing to the nearest MiDoctor.