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Next Great American Play Currently a Google Doc Titled "YOU WANTED TO BE A WRITER, SO WRITE, DIPWAD"

by Roxy Arecco. @roxyarecco.

ATHENS, Oh - Local playwright Noah Lynch is reportedly set to publish the “Next Great American Play” once he puts down his Nintendo Switch and opens the document titled “YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO BE A WRITER, SO WRITE, DIPWAD” from the “YOU’RE WASTING YOUR DRAMATIC WRITING DEGREE” folder of his Google Drive, sources confirm.

“The play is about a working class family that’s recovering from an undisclosed tragedy,” he said without taking his eyes off the screen. “Obviously, the tragedy will be revealed during a fight between all of the characters at the end of act two. See? It’s all in my head. I just have to type it up, which will take, like, twenty minutes max.”

Lynch has shared the document with his friend, Rachel Burnette, who proofreads all of his work without compensation or really any acknowledgment at all.

“Usually,” Burnette explained, “Noah sends me his rough draft, then I rearrange all of the dialogue, change a majority of the words, and suggest some alternative plots that he ultimately rejects. As of now, though, all he has is a cast list that includes a mother, a father, and a gay son whose sexuality will never be explicitly stated but rather implied through the metaphor of an alcohol dependency and a habit of staying out late.”

David Hayes, the founder of Hayes Publishing, agreed to print Lynch’s future masterpiece after reading his first play, Title TBD.

“I was blown away by that one,” Hayes admitted. “I mean, the title says it all. We’re constantly putting things off out of fear of failure, rejection, being misunderstood. I haven’t seen someone tackle the fragility of the human psyche like that since Tennessee Williams. Noah probably could’ve thought of a name for the female protagonist other than Woman #1, though.”

At press time, the play is set to workshop this fall and will, of course, star "a Jeff Daniels type" as the breadwinner of the family who’s doing his best. Lynch plans on finishing the piece sometime between now and previews, as soon as he beats Pokémon Sword and Shield.


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