by Brendan Leonard. @brennylen.
WASHINGTON, D. C. - CNN reports that the upcoming Democratic Presidential Debate will nix the usual topics of health care, gun control and the economy for what the American people consider a more pressing issue - asking each participating candidate to indicate and justify their favorite actress to have played Mama Rose in Gypsy on Broadway.
“The economy is still my number one focus,” noted candidate Bernie Sanders. “But do you expect me to get on that stage and not talk about the marvelous Tovah Feldshuh and her reinvention of ‘Some People’ at the Bristol Riverside Theatre? Get out of here!” he added with a passion that has ignited many young voters.
The distinction of it being a Broadway performance, imposed by CNN and their partner, Broadway.com, raised eyebrows among pundits, arousing suspicion of lobbying groups working on behalf the Tyne Daly Legacy Fund. Mayor Pete Buttigieg announced that he will not participate in the debate, and though Buttigieg did not release a statement, it appears he may have declined out of solidarity with Betty Buckley, who would likely be his running mate if he wins the nomination.
The choice of moderator in the multi-faceted Seth Rudetsky further heightened questions of bias, as the pianist has gone on record in high praise of Ms. Patti LuPone.
“I promise to keep my opinions to myself, for the stakes are just too high” Redutsky quipped. “How might my brow furrow if someone waxes a bit too poetic on Bernadette? I can’t say,” he added.
The voting records of former Vice President Joe Biden and Senator Elizabeth Warren indicate a strong affiliation with Angela Lansbury, while Cory Booker has been known to play Ethel Merman’s rendition of “Rose’s Turn” at campaign events.
Ahead of the debate, Senator Kamala Harris published an op-ed on a Broadway World message board titled, “The Mama That Should Have Been.”
“If it wasn’t for drugs and alcohol, Liza Minnelli would have been our definitive Mama Rose,” noted Harris to a group of enthusiastic supporters outside the venue. “We must push to reform the war on drugs, if not for the American people at large, then at least for the inevitable fifth Broadway revival in a few years,” she added before a thunderous applause.
At press time, each candidate was to familiarize themselves with every major recording of “Everything’s Coming Up Roses” and ideally some light choreography, as the debate will conclude with a lip-sync - the winner of which will receive the Democratic nomination.