New Law Makes It Illegal To Audition With “Giants In The Sky” After Age 14

Brandon Katkoczki. @LooseSeal96.

WASHINGTON D.C. - In an early morning press conference today, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced that congress has outlawed citizens older than 14 from auditioning for live theater with “Giants In The Sky” from Into the Woods.

“I am extremely proud of my colleagues on both sides of the aisle for passing this bipartisan bill,” said McConnell. “For far too long, Americans as old as 32 would audition with ‘Giants In The Sky,’ a song written for a character that’s traditionally portrayed as being no older than 12 years old. This new law will hopefully encourage the adult men of our country to expand their horizons and pick a song from She Loves Me or something.”

Reactions to the bill from around the country have been largely positive, including that of Christine Vivich, a music director from Chicago.

“Christ, this new law is such a weight off my shoulders,” says Vivich. “I’m so glad I never have to stare a 27 year old man in the face as he sings about giants ever again. Whenever I saw one of these baby-faced dweebs shuffle through their sheet music in an endearingly clumsy way, my stomach just dropped. This new law is essentially a free mental healthcare plan for theater professionals everywhere.”

However, there have been some vocal critics of the bill, arguing that it is unfair and overly restrictive of the creative choices of performers.

“This law is an infringement on my freedom of speech,” says aspiring actor and Target Customer Service Manager Corey Addison. “I mean, so what if I’m 29 years old? I should have just as much access to ‘Giants In The Sky’ as any younger American. Besides, what other song could I possibly sing that would show that I’m a young, ambitious guy who sees the world as this huge, insurmountable object that can never be fully conquered? There’s literally no other songs in musical theater like that.”

Despite these protests, the bill is expected to be signed by the president within the next week. As of press time, a small, bipartisan group of senators are rumored to be drafting a bill that would outlaw “Corner Of The Sky” auditions entirely.