Netflix Announces Adaptation of Middle School “Shrek” Performance Where You Shit Yourself, Danielle
by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
LOS ANGELES - Following the success of their recent screen adaptation of the popular Broadway musical The Prom, Netflix has announced that they’re bringing that one middle school production of Shrek The Musical where you shit your pants on stage, Danielle, to screens next year, the streaming mammoth confirmed.
“We’re so excited to continue bringing big, exciting musicals to the small screen - specifically that one where you totally crapped yourself during the first act, Danielle,” noted Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos while replaying the clip on his VCR over and over. “Shrek is a universally loved musical, and these kids are just so dang enthusiastic - you know, until Danielle doomed her blind mice costume during ‘Donkey Pot Pie’, which, honestly, is the only song that could make it funnier.”
Director Dan Buckley, who retired shortly after the mishap due to a mixture of shame and not being able to stop giggling, was thrilled by the big budget revival.
“One one hand, it’s definitely a gamble - a weird choice. On the other hand, that performance is infamous. I mean she wasn’t even supposed to be on stage during that number. Fuck-ing ep-ic,” stated Mr. Buckley, who was able to delay his pension winning big with a copy of the debacle on "America's Funniest Home Videos". “I just hope they don’t replace Danielle with a big Hollywood name. I fear that Shailene Woodley just wouldn’t be able to capture the fear, embarrassment, and general bodily relief that was portrayed on that day.”
Your childhood best friend, Jenny, agreed to speak with us on your behalf, Danielle. Did she even mention it to you by the way? Or did she just agree to tell us about you dumping your rented stage pants with you knowing? Some friend, huh Danielle?
“Yeah, that show was pretty rough - but I’m sure Danielle would be honored to have a performance seen by 52 people in a tiny auditorium 11 years ago revisited by millions,” stated Jenny while offering to audition for the role of Danielle. “I mean, who better to play her than her best pal? I can even share some additional embarrassing stories if you’d like. I have pictures, videos, a copy of her diary. Let’s really do this adaptation right.”
At press time, you, Danielle, could not be reached for comment, as you are actually one of the leading members of your professional field and make over $40 million a year, most of which you donate to a number of charities across the globe. You are also deeply in love and have a supportive, fulfilling group of close friends and a number of passionate hobbies, and you actually don’t even have a Netflix account, so it’s all good.