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Mueller Report Stumbles On Opening Night After Nearly Two Years Of Previews

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.

Washington D.C. - Robert Mueller’s long-anticipated report on the White House’s collusion accusations was completed and submitted last week, resulting in mixed to negative reviews from fans who eagerly anticipated the report during its’ unprecedented two years of preview performances.

“It’s been two years of just little snippets and previews - people really thought this was gonna be the next big thing, but I was disappointed,” notes Georgetown political science professor Jennifer Lockley. “I guess that’s what happens when you hype something up for so long, it didn’t stand a chance of meeting expectations.”

Mueller’s report, which confirmed no known collusion to rig the 2016 presidential election on behalf of Donald Trump, had gained a ton of buzz during development. Fans and insiders alike touted the report as “a game changer” and “the one, true push for Trump’s impeachment and perhaps even indictment.” With that high praise intact, it’s understandable that fans are disappointed with the finished product.

Mueller himself had a humble response to the critics.

“You know, when you begin a project as ambitious as this, you’ll always have high hopes. I really thought I was on to something here, but it’s clear the work just didn’t resonate with everyone. Still, I’m proud of what we’ve accomplished, and can’t wait to tackle the next adventure - which, face it, will probably be a 60 Minutes interview sometime next month.”

The hashtag “#ReleaseTheFullMuellerReport” has been trending all week, with fans urging Mueller to make the report’s full libretto available for their own further inspection. Mueller claimed he had no plans to release an official cast recording or take the show on tour, but is open to “whatever the wild winds bring my way next,” he said while frantically saving a word document titled “Mueller Report Book - First Draft.”


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