Mike Pence Clones Wife Twice, Safely Attends Performance of “Three Sisters”
by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
WASHINGTON D. C. - Vice President Mike Pence - famously unable to be alone with a woman without his wife, Karen, present - revealed today that he has cloned two copies of his betrothed in order to safely attend a local performance of Anton Chekhov’s play Three Sisters, the politician confirmed.
“One woman is usually pretty daunting, but three? I had to play it safe,” noted Pence while not helping efforts to cancel rent and provide another stimulus check. “We’ve had access to cloning for quite some time, so I’m glad I could use it to surround myself with a sin-blocking shield made of the most powerful woman since the Virgin Mary. I also love how Russian the show is, and no, you may not ask me what I mean by that.”
The original Karen Pence, a schoolteacher, painter, and lady who probably still says “colored”, broke away from the gaggle of identical sickos to support Mike Pence’s decision.
“A one-to-one ratio is ideal,” noted Mrs. Pence while somehow also advocating for increased military funds. “This allows us to take in the performance without fear that my husband will be seduced by the intoxicating allure of a woman twenty feet away, on stage, in character, and just trying to do their job. We feel the play’s themes of longing and disappointment really resonate with the American people these days - plus, all that Russian is just excellent, and no, you may not ask me what I mean by that.”
While the U.S. has been able to clone for some time, cloning two copies at once often offers less-than-desirable results.
“See show, we see show, we see show and see sit still to see show with Matt Pens,” noted one of the clones without blinking even a little. “Happy to be at show. Happy to protect Mick Punts from ladies. Happy to serve God and his word while also actively contradicting countless bible themes. Happy for Russian, and no, you may not ask mean what I mean by that... because I do not know. I am not alive. Kill me.”
At press time, Pence was seen chugging holy water behind the local theater after catching himself laughing at a comedic line spoken by a female actress. The two clones were spotted nearby, eating each other’s heads.