by Valerie Tosi. @valerie_tosi.
LYNN, Mass. - Local resident and mother of three Marjorie Sullivan was appalled when she and her husband showed up to the Boston Opera House’s production of Wicked wearing matching Tuukka Rask jerseys, only to find out that the show they had bought tickets for was not in fact a tribute to their beloved city.
“I’m so friggin’ pissed. With two witches on the marquee, I just assumed it was a Salem thing! And what’s with all the made up words? Swankified? They literally coulda said `wicked nice`,” Sullivan said while ferociously sipping on a half melted iced coffee. “Chrissake, for that kinda money we could've gotten [Green] Monstah seats to see the Sox take on the Yankees! They tried to make me throw out my Dunks too, and like, are you people mental? I worked all day for this shift drink and I’ll be damned if I toss it before I get to the layer of sugar at the bottom.”
Marjorie’s husband, James “Sully” Sullivan, was equally as livid, having been asked to leave during intermission for refusing to adhere to the dress code by removing his baseball hat.
“I don’t care that I coulda fit my hat in my cargo shorts, I’m not creasin’ the bill. This here is signed by number 34 himself!” Sully boomed as his fists clenched with the pride of over eight million Bostonians. “Even my kids haven’t seen me without this hat. I told the oldest one to bury me in it.”
Marjorie and Sully weren’t the only audience members to leave at intermission. Local Faneuil Hall security guard Don Donawotts nodded in agreement, skimming the show’s program with a pained look on his face.
“To be honest, I’m glad we left at halftime. I can’t stand that much singing, especially when I don’t know the lyrics,” noted Donawotts while snacking on a pot of baked beans, which he kept emphasizing are from The Fours and NOT Marliave. “They couldn’t have gotten the rights to at least one Aerosmith song?”
At press time, the theater’s artistic director was seen desperately trying to return the rights for their Fall slate, which includes productions of Chicago, Jersey Boys, and I Love New York, while also trying to find out if there’s any way they can replace the current Fiyero with Ben Affleck.