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Ambitious Mars Wondering If It Can Use Rover Footage for Reel

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.

SPACE - NASA’s Perseverance Rover is set to provide the first land footage of Mars today, with the big red planet already asking the rover if it can use the footage for its reel, sources confirmed.


“I mean, the shots came out really well,” noted Mars, who hasn’t updated their website with any new content since NASA’s 2020 mission. “There’s always someone writing a new space exploration horror movie/love story/whatever Passengers was. Gotta keep things fresh, or else I’m gonna lose out to the moon AGAIN.”


NASA engineers, however, were skeptical of approving their work for the planet’s reel.


“Mars is infamous for sharing work without providing credit,” noted literal astronaut Elisabeth Collens, who has made over a dozen trips into outer space but still only has 235 Instagram followers. “Mars has a huge platform, mostly thanks to their sharp red aesthetic and all those alien rumors in the tabloids. It just sucks that they don’t use it to help smaller planets. Who knows - maybe if Mars went live with them, Pluto would still be a planet.”


Still, some were excited by the prospect of Mars freshening their brand a bit.


“This new footage is gonna open up so many doors for Mar Mar,” noted Zyglob, Master of the Galaxy and Mars’ agent since the beginning of time. “It’s not a moment too soon, either. They’re discovering new stars every day literally. I’ll be damned if people start stanning Jupiter or Saturn all of a sudden. We saw what happened when Uranus launched an OnlyFans.”


At press time, Mars is currently in the running to book the role of “Second Earth” once our planet inevitably depletes all resources. The planet is still working to remove itself from the controversial 1996 film Mars Attacks!, posting a 33 minute front-facing video in which they apologize for the depiction and note that they have “grown and learned as a ball of matter” since the film was released.