by Rebecca Ballinger. @reberkk.
ELKRIDGE, Maryland - This tight-knit community is baffled by last month’s lottery winner, Sean Wilson, who appears to only biddy biddy bum for just half of the day.
“Sean’s daily routine for the most part remains consistent. Still does yard work, still goes to the gym, still breaks the fourth wall,” local butcher, Gary Davenport, mused while wrapping up some round steak and smiling at a female customer way too young for him. “He was in here buying a leg of lamb last week and I was like, don’t you have biddy better things to do?”
Sean’s oldest daughter, Sarah, rumored to be going steady with an aspiring fashion designer who can’t sew, offered intimate knowledge from inside the rich yidle-diddle-didle-didle man’s home.
“When Dad won the lottery, I was so excited! I thought we were going to be drowning in staircases! See, we just had the one staircase used for both going up and coming down. So embarrassing,” she bemoaned while showing her boyfriend how to load the bobbin into his new sewing machine. “But would you believe it, the number of staircases in our home has remained unchanged? Not even one just for show.”
Barry Davis, a neighborhood law enforcement officer who claims the residents are like family even though he hasn’t attended a single town hall meeting, weighed in on Sean’s unaltered living situation.
“There have been zero noise complaints. Listen to how quiet his place is,” he said before gesturing at a home, hesitating, and then pointing to another home across the street. “Or is that his house? Either way, when I make my rounds, I expect to be bombarded by chicks and turkeys and geese and ducks. Without all the squawking, how else are we supposed to know that here lives a wealthy man?”
While Sean has only been biddying half the day, the community is taking solace in the fact that Sean’s wife, Anna, has been screaming at the servants day and night regardless of her single chin.