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  • Writer's pictureBroadway Beat

You Guessed It! THE LION KING Puppets Fuck Offstage, and the Audience Can Tell

by Roberto Kerry. @berto_kerry.

NEW YORK, NY - The Lion King on Broadway has been delighting families and audiences for decades - but for some patrons watching the show, whatever’s happening onstage doesn’t matter, because the tight-wire sexual tension is too much to ignore. Not between the human performers, but the puppets themselves.

“I mean, just look at the way Timon and Pumbaa are looking at each other! And why is their breathing so shallow?” questioned Sam Greenfield, the first audience member to point out the horniness that night. “I mean, who can blame them? You sing 'Hakuna Matata' every single night with the same wooden puppets and a showmance is bound to happen.”

Mary Smith, one of the patrons last Saturday, had her own two cents to offer.

“Will you guys stop? I mean it’s really so immature to focus on just Timon and Pumbaa’s sexual relationship. Have you guys seen the way that giraffe looked at Scar? I bet that giraffe hoof sees quite a bit of action when the curtain falls,” noted Smith as she began to salivate. “I only come to see this show for the primo eroticism between those hot little puppets. Now back to Timon and Pumbaa: who do you think is the top?”

Smith and Greenfield then began a 30 minute conversation discussing each puppet's body count. When patrons trying to escape the sex discussion approached the usher to be moved, they were given devastating news.

“Sorry, we only have seats open in the perv row,” the usher said, thumbing through the show’s programs. “Folks like them have been coming in and ruining the magic for everyone since we opened, so we put them in their own row to talk about their sexual fanfictions with people who will enjoy it. Sorry we put you there. You looked like one of them.”

At press time, Greenfield and Smith’s conversation was then joined in by a plethora of puppet lovers who began describing every possible sexual scenario between Timon and Pumbaa. The consensus? Pumbaa is the bottom.

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