by Ben Schrager. Instagram: @ben.schrager, Twitter: @ben_schrager.
HOLLYWOOD, CA. - Rehearsals halted today for a special benefit performance of The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee after Academy Award winner Leonardo DiCaprio abruptly dropped out of the production. According to reports, DiCaprio disappeared immediately upon learning the fictional spelling bee was in its 25th year.
“This is ultimately my fault,” explained Harold Chaklis, the benefit’s director and owner of three Tony Award NFTs. “In our email correspondence, I always used ‘Spelling Bee’ as a shorthand for the full title of the show. As soon as the number 25 was uttered for the first time in the rehearsal room, DiCaprio spontaneously evaporated into a deep cerulean blue mist.”
Sharon Fullgram, the 47 year-old Broadway veteran who was set to play Rona Lisa Peretti in the production, was shocked by the sudden disappearance, but also recalled noticing warning signs.
“He was set to play Vice Principal Panch, so I went to introduce myself to him, since we would be playing off of each other a lot,” said Fullgram while picking DiCaprio’s teeth out of her hair. “But when I went up to him, he noticed some wrinkles around my eyes and his neck flaps suddenly unfolded to form a shield around his face. He shot blood from his mouth, and started shrieking in a high-pitched tone to fend me off.”
DiCaprio’s manager, Rick Yorn, made a statement to the press defending his client.
“We were incredibly clear with the cast and creative team of Spelling Bee about what not to say or do around Mr. DiCaprio,” said Mr. Yorn, still coated in an unidentifiable primordial ooze. “The cast and creative team ignored these warnings, and so Mr. DiCaprio was left with no choice but to expel all his internal organs through his mouth at any nearby perceived threats and then evaporate into a deep blue cerulean mist. It’s a perfectly natural response.”
The press release continued.
“As is always the case when this happens, Mr. DiCaprio’s team will now go on a three day search through Echo Park for his re-formed pupa and nurse it through gestation back at our offices. Hopefully he will re-emerge from his chrysalis in time for the production to continue, with alterations made to accommodate our client. In the meantime, we ask that the public please respect our client’s pupa’s privacy at this time.”
Efforts are being made to alter the concert to accommodate Mr. DiCaprio. There was reportedly an offer to change the show to Nine, but DiCaprio’s representatives say he would definitely not be ready for that. “Maybe in 10 years,” said Mr. Yorn.