by Aidan Sears. @aidanjsears.
SCHAUMBURG, Ill. - Confusion arose in the audience last night after the Schaumburg Community Theatre’s performance of Catch Me If You Can, with theater-goers noted that the large, most lush and ornate bouquet of flowers was inexplicably in the hands of a middling, low status ensemble member, perceptive audience members confirmed.
“I understand that everyone in the ensemble works incredibly hard and they deserve nothing but praise,” flower noticer James DuPont said. “But, like, come on. She played some cops and some stewardesses and did some ok kick lines, but she got the kind of bouquet you get when you win the Kentucky Derby. I mean, let’s temper the praise here.”
The bouquet quickly became the talk of the post-performance reception, with audience members speculating about what the chorus member, who we later confirmed as local Schaumberg Library clerk Jacqueline Hubbard, did to deserve such a rich bounty of floral congratulations.
“I thought she might be dying,” audience member Carolyn Welles said. “I figured maybe this was a two-bird-one-stone congratulations and condolence bouquet. But according to the stagehand I spoke to at the mini hot dog table, she’s just a regular chorus member. And, look, no, it’s not like I wasn’t hoping she was sick or anything, but at least that would have given me an explanation,” she added.
While others speculated that this preposterous bouquet meant this must have been Hubbard’s theatrical debut, this was Hubbard’s eighth performance this calendar year alone. And according to Hubbard herself, she “kind of phoned this one in.”
“Please understand that this gaudy bouquet was not my idea,” Hubbard said. “My grandma sent it to me because she heard I was in a show and to her that means I’m starring on Broadway. And I love my grandma, but do you think I liked lugging that freaking thing around after the show? I couldn’t bring it with me when we got drinks, so I had to toss it in the dumpster outside TGI Fridays.”
At press time, Hubbard was seen begging her father to please, please just clap politely during the curtain call instead of giving an Arsenio Hall-style whooping applause.