“Kill Me,” Begs Backstage Couch After Magic Spell Gives It Sentience and Memory

by Garrett Brown. @garrettbrownproductions.

OMAHA, NE - According to a Buchanan University press release, a couch located backstage in the school auditorium is “begging for the sweet release of death” after a magical spell accidentally gave the piece of furniture sentience, as well as the memory of every disgusting and cringy act committed upon its being.

“The department was doing a production of The Tempest and Bobby Sanders screwed up a few Prospero lines, casting a spell that brought the sofa to life,” according to department head Casey Mondeaux, who removed all possibly dangerous objects from the vicinity. “Apparently, I’m going to just have to compartmentalize the fact that magic is real? Because right now, this ratty old sofa has started screaming like it witnessed an eldritch horror.”

Sophomore Annie Smulldich claimed that the couch had called out to her, begging “to be released from this mortal coil.”

“Everyone knows the couch is kind of nasty,” Smulldich grimaced. "But it began naming off every person who had kissed, made out, frenched, and had sex on its plaid cushions. We begged the couch to stop, but it claimed that it would, quote, ‘be naming names until we took swift action to end its misery.’”

Smulldich hesitated, then continued in a lower, almost introspective voice.

“I’m not saying that I’m worried it will mention anything about me, but I support destroying it. You know, just in case.”

When asked for comment, Mr. Wells, the school janitor, only sighed.

“You don’t want to know what I’ve caught kids doing on that piece of trash,” Wells grumbled as he gathered every flammable chemical in the supply closet. “Look, I can sympathize: I clean college toilets for a living. The pain that this being is in, the things it has been forced to witness? It deserves to be cleansed in fire.”

With no further updates on the fate of the sofa in question, Buchanan University did release a statement that the Saturday evening performance of The Tempest would be rescheduled in order to “bleach every surface of this godforsaken building.”