by Matt Keeley. @reallymattkeeley.
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION - Oh God. Oh my god. If anyone can hear me, please send help – I’ve been kidnapped by a serial killer named Jigsaw who just said he wants to play a game…The Pajama Game. Whatever that is. I’m seriously freaking out!
Oh no…there’s that voice again!
“Hello Robert. I want to play a game. The Pajama Game. I’ve taken you to a dark, secluded place. A place where no one knows your face. For years, the actors who work under your production company gave you their hard labor while earning next to nothing in residuals. Let’s see if you’re worth the seven and a half cents you’ve left your talent.”
Huh? The Pajama Game? I- I barely remember that show! Something about a clothing factory? I wanna say there’s a Bob Fosse dance number out of nowhere…
“The furnaces within this room are set to full steam. There is one door leading to your freedom - the key to it lies buried in the dirt floor below you. Work efficiently, for you only have two minutes to find it before the door locks forever. What will it be? Either your back will break and fingers ache to claim your life, or before you die you’ll dig your grave. Live or die, make your choice.”
Oh God, help! HELP!! Oh no, the radiator’s hissing…alright, just dig through the ground and find a key. There’s no shovel. It’s…getting so hot in here. Ugh, I’m going to have to…get my hands dirty. Hnngh…
“One minute remains. Tick tock, tick tock, tempis fugit.”
Oww! Something sharp - oh, that’s a lot of blood…wait, in the dirt — are those sewing needles?
“Tick tock, tick tock, time goes by. Thirty seconds.”
AH! The key! Hurry up, hurry up–
“Five, four, three, two…”
No, NO! I’ve found the key, but the door won’t open! Hey! HEY THERE! Please! – I’ll do ANYTHING! Screw those other media CEOs! That business model is just the same antiquated capitalist glut that 1950s musicals warned us about. Just let me out of here! I –
“Congratulations. Let’s call this your once a year day. It seems that just like an updated 2006 revival, you too are capable of improving from a questionable past.”
Oh, oh thank God…
“Because now…I want to play a game. Dangerous Games. How familiar are you with the Jekyll & Hyde musical?”