INTERVIEW: We Sat Down with the Original King of Social Distancing

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.

As the world continues to attempt to slow the spread of coronavirus, the phrase “social distancing” has become an integral part of our daily conversations, and an even bigger influence on our activities and actions. However, there is one young man who has been social distancing for over two decades (or closer to two centuries if you count the book) - inspiring beloved songs, a number of stage adaptations, and a place in the heart of musical fans around the world. The Broadway Beat was thrilled to speak with him (over Zoom, of course) for his side of this timely story.

Find our full conversation with Quasimodo below!

Broadway Beat: Quasimodo, thank you for taking the time to speak with us. Can you hear us alright?

Quasimodo: If you could speak up a little that would be great. My hearing isn’t quite what it once was, though, cause… you know cause the bell. The bell’s loud.

BB: Right, of course. We’ll be sure to speak clearly. Now, the big question - when and why exactly did you start social distancing?

Quasimodo: I’ve been social distancing since I was a kid. It actually wasn’t really my choice - I was adopted, and my Dad thought that, due to my body deformities, it would be best to keep me inside all the time. It was definitely tough.

BB: We can imagine. What have been some unexpected struggles when it comes to distancing?

Quasimodo: I think just knowing how to respond and behave in large groups so that you can still remain comfortable while keeping the group atmosphere alive. One time I was at the Festival of Fools, and everyone was like “ooh, ahh, look at this motherfucker”, but then things turned quickly. Gotta be prepped. Gotta carry hand sanitizer.

BB: Oh, right. I see you have a few cases on the stone behind you. Are they… did you… did you buy those just as the outbreak was starting up?

Quasimodo: What?

BB: It’s just cause that wouldn’t be really cool to buy up hand sanitizer when people need it.

Quasimodo: Don’t worry about it.

BB: That’s not really an answer.

Quasimodo: What’s your next question?

BB: Oh, yes. Any tips for people who are currently being quarantined?

Quasimodo: I’ve been sure to always keep at least a small group of confidantes - specifically some gargoyles. They’re made of stone so can’t catch germs or give you theirs. It’s perfect.

BB: Fascinating. Wait, on the other side of the stone, is that… several large boxes of toilet paper?

Quasimodo: Also be sure to remember that love is a beautiful thing, and you can't be selfish with it. You have to let it live freely, whether you’re the one in love or not.

BB: Ok that’s fine, but seriously dude, that is a LOT of toilet paper. And is that an entire box of protective masks? You don’t need that many.

Quasimodo: Just be sure not to get locked up with your adoptive Dad, that’ll drive you up the wall!

BB: Wait, does that vial next to you say… vaccine?

Quasimodo: No more questions.

Quasimodo then abruptly ended our Zoom conversation and blocked us on all socials.