by Calder Holbrook. @calderholbrook.
NEW YORK, NY. - It was announced this morning that newcomer actress Stacy McCue has ascended from ingenue to diva status in a traditional ritual ceremony upon the Altar of Antiquity in a back room at celebrated Broadway eatery Sardi’s, divine sources confirmed.
“It was an awe-inspiring and dreadful sight,” said Dale Hemmings, dark arts critic for Playbill. “Miss McCue took her place on the altar, the masked order of Broadway producers recited the sacred words of the Forgotten Tongue imploring the theater gods to confer their favor, and a season ticket holder was sacrificed using the ceremonial dagger of Sarah Bernhardt. Stacy McCue is now officially a diva, and may behave as such. Also, the swordfish was phenomenal.”
Previously expected by theater community conventions to be humble and winsome, Miss McCue now may transition into brassiness and confidence verging on repellent arrogance, following in the tradition of generations of predecessor actresses.
“Things are just different for you when you emerge from the Chamber of Transition,” remembered 8th degree diva extraordinaire Idina Menzel. “You put the coquettish behavior of your early Broadway years behind you. You book the plum roles. And you stop aging, because now the enchanted portrait of you painted by the high priestess during the ceremony does that for you.”
Theatre fans voiced their delight upon early word of the ascension leaking out.
“I knew Stacy would pass through the ceremony with flying colors,” said Elaine Crowder, a devout occultist from Long Island who narrowly missed out on being the sacrifice. “A lot of flash in the pan actresses die trying to hold the hot coals, or endure the swallowing of the potion, but that’s life in the theatre, and Stacy is a true star. The Old Ones have confirmed that now.”
McCue’s next major career step - that of becoming a “grand dame” - remains at least 50 years away, as that ceremony cannot be held until the next opening of the portal between our world and that of the mystical beings who originally gifted the box step to humanity 10,000 years ago.