by Brendan Leonard. @brennylen.
BOSTON - Claims that a non-union tour of the acclaimed Broadway play The Inheritance began performances in Boston yesterday have been proven false after Connor Mooney, a Massachusetts resident and avid theater fan, was arrested for scalping tickets to what he claimed was a site-specific production of Matthew Lopez’s two-part drama, but what was actually just a group of handsome men having brunch, sources confirmed.
“When I saw a group of well-coiffed, mostly white men having an animated discussion around a long table, I figured, what’s the difference?” said Mooney, who managed to sell-out every seat and a standing room section. “To be fair, I really did think it was a production at first. It wasn’t until about three hours in that I realized it was just men eating as opposed to an immersive, unadvertised performance.”
The “coiffed” men in question were, in fact, not actors, but rather a cohort of gay investment bankers eating out at Bar Mazzana. They were discussing plans for a group vacation that they plan to take together to Turks and Caicos.
“I understand the mistake,” said Preston Willingon, one of the bankers. “I thought it was odd when the whole restaurant was watching me eat my eggs, but then I figured that they must be some of my many Insta followers.” Mr. Willington recently purchased his 10,000th follower.
Quincy Stafford, the restaurant Maitre D', expressed his frustration.
“People keep asking me for a program and get angry when I hand them a menu,” noted Stafford. “We don’t have a balcony or a mezzanine. There are no intermissions. You don’t have to stay for seven hours, leave whenever you want - in fact, leave now. Please.”
To avoid any future confusion, the waitstaff of Bar Mezzana have been instructed to sit wealthy gay patrons under a banner that reads “NOT THE INHERITANCE.”
At press time, Mr. Mooney remains under arrest for fraud, of which this is not his first offense. He previously scalped tickets for Cats, which turned out to be a neutering at a local cat shelter, and for Hello, Dolly!, which was just a drunk woman in a red dress who happened to be shouting “Ermengarde, stop sniveling! Don’t cry on the valises!”
When customers were asked if they planned to demand a refund for the experience or an exchange for tickets to the actual production of The Inheritance, most shrugged off the notion, with one patron even noting “I mean, I think I get the gist anyway.”